Well...

Yea, I'm pretty ashamed to say it....I haven't changed much of anything since my last bullshit post.  But there is a reason I am blogging this TODAY.  I am getting back on it....not too much because it
s a New Year, no, but because my health has been declining like a mugg.  I mean, I am now on anxiety meds, and been sick and tired as hell lately.  Everything hurts.  I'm getting closer to finishing beauty school and I CANNOT go into this profession like the way I am now.  I'm seriously done with this shit.

Caught on TV that Planet Fitness is having a $10 down, $10 a month no contract deal.  Monday, that's where I'm headed.  Also, going to shop for my own groceries each week and eat better. Oh, quitting smoking might not be so bad either!  Been out all day, didn't buy a pack.  Not gonna either.  It's not cool or fun anymore....it's becoming a real pain in my ass.  I feel my health declining, and I owe it to this.

I was recently dx'd with post traumatic stress syndrome...the cause of my anxiety.  Yea I had a crazy childhood...a bad one at that...and I guess moving back home while I attend school is bringing back a lot of shit.  Although, I notice it began within my last relationship.

So, I am on some BuSpar, Klonopin, and Trazadone.  Would much rather find cognitive behavior ways of dealing with it.  I think if I get my health in check, this will alleviate most of it, as it is my health that is constantly worrying me.  Anxiety is a viscious thing.  You constantly fear going anywhere because you think you are going to do die.  Going on my beloved long road trips are out of question right now....I become terrified to leave town.

The pills work, but of course, have gnarly side effects.  I don't want pills.  I want to deal with it naturally.

So here goes, this gym joining, healthy eating, non smoking way that I TRYING to kick myself into is not only to lose weight and get healthy...but to ease my mind.  It's a total being type of thing.

I have been kinda ill lately...there is this nasty ass flu going around and EVERYONE has it.  Starts out as the flu, then develops into a stomach virus, then you end up with sinusitis.  My body gets rid of sickness pretty well, so I haven't taken anything or seen a doctor...probably should have, then I would have been rid of this sooner, but instead, I am riding it out.  Everything is gone and I feel the sinuses getting a bit better....but boy what a long rough road it's been.  However, if I still feel bad on Monday, I am going to the clinic.  No insurance, so I gotta.

I have been having some concerns about losing weight.  My one friend, she recently lost over 100 pounds.  She is from wearing a 3x to a M.  Good right?  Welllll.......I got to see her naked and it was quite scary.  I feel like a real asshole saying this about her, but it scared me.  Skin hanging everywhere, wobbly as all hell, cottage cheese ass and a saggy tummy that looks like a butt crack.  She does have two kids tho.  She looks great in clothes, but that's it.  So her boyfriend told me how she lost it....she starved herself.  \Didn't work out....did eat right, drank like a sailor and smokes like a chimney.  So,  basically, that is WHY.  She didn't build up her muscle or lose the weight correctly.  So I am going to avoid doing that...it pushed me to research it online even.  I can shrink my skin gradually but building lean muscle, drinking plenty of water, avoiding booze (don't really drink anyway), and not smoking.  So there it be.  We shall see.

Will reblog on Monday to update.

day 1. dang no wonder I feel death is imminent!

Get Healthy Plan

Oct. 19^th, 2012

I have done many diets and crap to try and get healthy, none of which worked.  Now, I know why.  I wasn’t ready, mentally.  It is now recent that my lifestyle habits (none good) are catching up with me…in a VERY dire manner.  It is to the point now that I am in so much fear for my life that I need to take control of the situation ASAP. 

Here is how I treat myself, and the factors  effecting my wellbeing:

I am 150 pounds overweight.

I smoke a pack of Newports a day.

I am inactive at home.

I sleep 3-4 hours a night.

I drink a lot of coffee.

I don’t drink water for days at a time.

I have a HUGE load of stress.

I don’t eat right…my diet is whatever crap I throw together just to not be hungry.  I can’t remember the last time I ate a vegetable or a piece of fruit.

I skip breakfast and eat mostly at night.

I seriously have the weirdest diet ever.  I am overweight, yet, do not eat sweets often, don’t snack, don’t drink many soft drinks, and don’t eat much red meat.  I eat mostly processed foods, or foods with much starch.  This leaves me satiated, but lacking nutrients and I feel sluggish after eating….well, sluggish all day.  I don’t have a food addiction, cannot think of food when sad or stressed, and when I do eat, I get full quickly, so my portions are not big.  I guess with so many other factors to my ill health, nothing works right.  I am EXTREMELY out of balance.

Well, what drove me to write this, and decide to try AGAIN to change my life?  Increasing anxiety about my ailments causing me to think I am about to die at any given moment.  I feel so sick and achy non-stop and I’ve had it.  I want a normal life.  This is NO way to live.  I am finally at a point where I have had enough and am now mentally ready to change things.

Apart from the health risks...my self image is at play.  The person I see in the mirror is NOT the person who I really am.  I am a girly girl.  I am into beauty and all things style.  To see myself wearing clothes that are not me, but only for fit, kills me inside.  I feel like a prisoner.  I am not able to express myself the way I want, nor are people able to see who I really am either.  I get treated like dirt for being overweight.  I mean, If I lose all of this weight, my mind will still be there.  I will still be me.  But imagine, in your mind, you are this sultry, gorgeous, stylish fox....but nobody sees that.  They see a tired, overweight old looking person who dresses like someone twice her age.  It sucks.  Like seriously, it really fucking SUCKS.

So, following this page will be a daily log of my habits….eating, smoking, activity, water intake, even smoking and stresses.  I want to visibly monitor things….and monitor my progress. 

Day 1.  10/19/2013

This is the last day of my old self.  So the following will look pretty bad I think…

B-           24oz. WaWa coffee; sausage egg & cheese WaWa croissant sammich

L-            Stuffed shells and garlic bread; orange soda

D-           2 Hot dogs; handful of small pierogies; side of spaghetti. 8oz. coffee.

H20- I drank one glass after evening coffee as I began having heart palpitations and wanted to push the caffeine out of my system quickly.

Smoking- one pack. (My nerves have been on edge lately and have found myself chain smoking this week.  Boy do I feel it too.)

Activity- none but a short walk to the pizza place for lunch.

Hours of sleep- bed @3am.  Woke @7am

Feeling very tired today.  Also, I have had some heart palpitations, dizziness and stomach cramps.  I had one small panic attack.  Lots of worry about my health and was pretty anxious all day long.  I am feeling kind of depressed.

Weight: 272

Tomorrow’s goal: cut down on the cigarettes, drink 8 glasses of water, incorporate some veggies into my day. I will go light food shopping for some salad stuff, and other nutritious food.

My thoughts:

Wow.  Reading this and seeing my daily lifestyle in front of my eyes is quite a shocker.  I am really bad to myself. Wow. Just, wow…

So...where am I going with this.  What are my goals? 

To lose that 150 pounds, safely and naturally.

To quit smoking.

Become more active.

Establish a healthy eating routine.

Sleep at least 8 hours a night.

The weight and the smoking are the 2 on the top of my list.  These are the dangerous things that have me feeling like crap all the time.

I am currently in beauty school, and am on my feet a lot.  When i return home, I am exhausted and sport a grody set of swollen ankles.  

I suffer from nonstop pains and aches all over every inch of my body.  

By the end of this month I want to be at least 5 pounds thinner.  I have a little under two weeks.  Let's see how it works!

My current weight is 272.  

Shopping List for tomorrow:

Spinach greens

Tuna

water bottle to keep handy at all times

lemons

oranges

pineapple

apples

raisins

yogurt

boneless chicken

It will be hard to change my eating habits from a high starch diet to a clean diet.  But I feel that I can easily make myself used to these foods after a good week or two.

Maybe once I start to feel better, I will never be able to even imagine eating like shit again.

I hope this works.  I'm at a time in my life where if I don't make these changes, there will be no turning back. My health will suffer greatly.