Well...

Yea, I'm pretty ashamed to say it....I haven't changed much of anything since my last bullshit post.  But there is a reason I am blogging this TODAY.  I am getting back on it....not too much because it
s a New Year, no, but because my health has been declining like a mugg.  I mean, I am now on anxiety meds, and been sick and tired as hell lately.  Everything hurts.  I'm getting closer to finishing beauty school and I CANNOT go into this profession like the way I am now.  I'm seriously done with this shit.

Caught on TV that Planet Fitness is having a $10 down, $10 a month no contract deal.  Monday, that's where I'm headed.  Also, going to shop for my own groceries each week and eat better. Oh, quitting smoking might not be so bad either!  Been out all day, didn't buy a pack.  Not gonna either.  It's not cool or fun anymore....it's becoming a real pain in my ass.  I feel my health declining, and I owe it to this.

I was recently dx'd with post traumatic stress syndrome...the cause of my anxiety.  Yea I had a crazy childhood...a bad one at that...and I guess moving back home while I attend school is bringing back a lot of shit.  Although, I notice it began within my last relationship.

So, I am on some BuSpar, Klonopin, and Trazadone.  Would much rather find cognitive behavior ways of dealing with it.  I think if I get my health in check, this will alleviate most of it, as it is my health that is constantly worrying me.  Anxiety is a viscious thing.  You constantly fear going anywhere because you think you are going to do die.  Going on my beloved long road trips are out of question right now....I become terrified to leave town.

The pills work, but of course, have gnarly side effects.  I don't want pills.  I want to deal with it naturally.

So here goes, this gym joining, healthy eating, non smoking way that I TRYING to kick myself into is not only to lose weight and get healthy...but to ease my mind.  It's a total being type of thing.

I have been kinda ill lately...there is this nasty ass flu going around and EVERYONE has it.  Starts out as the flu, then develops into a stomach virus, then you end up with sinusitis.  My body gets rid of sickness pretty well, so I haven't taken anything or seen a doctor...probably should have, then I would have been rid of this sooner, but instead, I am riding it out.  Everything is gone and I feel the sinuses getting a bit better....but boy what a long rough road it's been.  However, if I still feel bad on Monday, I am going to the clinic.  No insurance, so I gotta.

I have been having some concerns about losing weight.  My one friend, she recently lost over 100 pounds.  She is from wearing a 3x to a M.  Good right?  Welllll.......I got to see her naked and it was quite scary.  I feel like a real asshole saying this about her, but it scared me.  Skin hanging everywhere, wobbly as all hell, cottage cheese ass and a saggy tummy that looks like a butt crack.  She does have two kids tho.  She looks great in clothes, but that's it.  So her boyfriend told me how she lost it....she starved herself.  \Didn't work out....did eat right, drank like a sailor and smokes like a chimney.  So,  basically, that is WHY.  She didn't build up her muscle or lose the weight correctly.  So I am going to avoid doing that...it pushed me to research it online even.  I can shrink my skin gradually but building lean muscle, drinking plenty of water, avoiding booze (don't really drink anyway), and not smoking.  So there it be.  We shall see.

Will reblog on Monday to update.